I am not sure what to write today.

Life is hard.

My life has done a complete 360 and there is no turning back. I’ve lost so many things. And it’s all my fault.

I’ve became more disconnected from reality than ever. This life is a joke. We are born to live a controlled, disorganized life being told what to do 24/7. Then we die.

We are constantly preparing to die. From when we are young we are told to save money for retirement, so that we can live when were old. We are told we need to know what we want to do for a career or else we will never go anywhere. It is a continuous preparation for the next step in our lives, which is eventually death.

“Yolo” and “living in the moment” are not ways to live either. It’s balance, but there is way too much pressure on society to be something, to DO something ALL the time.

This may be the most depressing post I have ever written, but I’ve learned so many things in the last year and grown up so much. I’ve been learning who I am and what I like. That is the most difficult thing about life. You can be anything you want but because you were put in a certain sport or activity when you are younger, THAT is who you become. It doesn’t necessarily mean you like it, but you do it everyday.

I hate that we are trained.

Have a great day loves. XO



today.. Thursday May 5th… CINCO DE MAYO?

I woke up late and in a panic, after my alarm went off for about an hour, and rushed into the bathroom. (thank god I am smart enough to have my clothes ready & waiting the night before)
I quickly brush my teeth, fix my hair, put on some eyeliner and I am out the door.
As I am driving to work, I am doing the rest of my makeup and making sure I look like I did not just crawl out of bed (even though I did)

Now I am sitting here at work patiently waiting for lunch, or even better yet, the day to be over.
I texted my boyfriend (who is beyond adorable when he is sleeping by the way) to apologize for my alarm going off all morning because the thought of him being mad at me upsets me beyond belief. (and I really did feel bad as I hate when his does the same thing!) That is when that feeling arises again from it’s dark, hidden place. That is when I begin to get hot and my heart starts .racing like I have just sprinted 5 km without taking a break.

Some might say to me that I should not feel like that if he is upset with me, but I DO!
I love this boy with all of my heart and of course I don’t want to upset him. I want to be selfless for him to the highest extent and make him the happiest man alive.
I don’t just get like that with him. I get like that with anyone who is upset with me.
The idea of confrontation scares the shit out of me, with absolutely anyone. And that is because it puts me in that uncomfortable place.

But at other times, that uncomfortable state that I get into sometimes gets me INTO that confrontation.
Does anybody else see how frustrating this is?
Today has been a lot better than yesterday though. I have felt absolutely no part of that state, which is so great!

I want to speak nothing but truth here. I am just typing whatever comes to my mind at that moment, literally. I am not editing or making revisions to try and be popular or liked. I just want somewhere to be myself. With zero expectations. Nobody to impress. Nowhere to be judged.
Just to try and figure out who ME is.
I have changed a lot.. I don’t even know what my favorite food is anymore! (let’s be honest, there are way too many to choose from!)
I know what I want in life and out of the different aspects of my life, but it’s figuring out who I am internally or what I like that is most frustrating. I feel like I am stuck in the middle of the whole “figuring yourself out” area of life.

But all jokes aside, this is my place to truly express those things I cannot at places like work, social situations, etc. It is going to be the place that I run to when I need to rant, or feel like crying, or get so worked up I cannot handle it.

If you don’t like it, then that really sucks for you. But I know there is someone out there who can relate to this.
You will slowly learn more about this and why I am the way I am, but for now let’s keep the mystery here. (even though there is probably nobody reading this at all!)

A fucked up girl in her 20’s just trying to figure out how to adult.




The rational, adult part of my brain knows that chest pains are just muscular, and that my cardiologist has said my heart is fine.

But the child part of my brain gets scared and starts crying or having a temper tantrum, because it’s not logical and can’t always be swayed by reason.

That temper tantrum is a panic attack. The adult part of my brain needs to quiet the child – to listen to and comfort it, but not give in to the temper tantrum.

It’s a heavy feeling. Like there is the weight of an elephant on my chest and I cannot breath. My heart begins to race. The sensation in my tummy is a feeling of butterflies, but not good ones, more like moths fluttering around as if they are about to be caught in a trap. My throat feels like it is slowly, but oh so quickly, tightening up as I am beginning to breath shallow. I feel like I may throw up or cry, I cannot tell the difference.
There is no thinking straight or logically in this state. This is a mental state that affects me physically, and is beyond exhausting.
This feeling.
It is dark. exhausting. tiring. difficult. stressful. overwhelming. hurting.
It is something I am mentally afraid of when I can feel it coming on.

For someone who does not experience this as strongly as I do, it can be the most difficult thing to explain. The feeling is so overwhelming that it is hard to even begin to describe what it is or where it comes from.
Thoughts come out of no where and assumptions are made constantly when this feeling arises from the dark place it comes from.

“Go out. Do Something! Make some friends. Hangout. Exercise. Be Carefree. Life is a joke, live it to the fullest. Enjoy yourself. Do things. Face your fears. Don’t be such a baby.”

If you had any idea what this feels like, you would not even think to say those things when I am in that state.
I go out, make friends, do fun things… and I CAN HAVE FUN!
Yes, of course I still do have fun and do things and enjoy myself. Just because this feeling comes to me at times, does not mean that I do not live a good life. I do not want to sit here and make people think they should feel BAD for me. That is not the case at all.
I want people around me to understand what it is like, or at least try to. I do not believe that anyone who does not experience this same feeling can understand what it is truly like, but they can try.

For someone to tell me that I am ungrateful because of the way I act sometimes just do not seem to understand that I am trying my hardest to show that, but at times it can be difficult when I am in such a overwhelming situation.

It’s like I am driving down a street and there is a huge roadblock in my way. I need to get somewhere, do something, say something, but I need to make this huge detour just to be able to. I need to either wait until it is gone, or make things difficult in the process followed by a feeling of guilt for the things that happened in that process.

I am so beyond grateful for my amazing boyfriend who has picked me up so many times when I have fallen to the deepest, darkest places I have ever been to. (believe me, it was scary as fuck!)
I am beyond grateful for the amazing (very few) friends that I have. They just listen to me rant sometimes and you know what? They do NOT judge me. They just listen because they know that is exactly what I need.
And finally, I am SO BEYOND grateful for my amazing family. They have been through hell and back for me I am sure. They definitely do not deserve it, but I know if I needed they would do it again. I love them beyond belief.

Now just because these people are there for me and listen to me does not mean they understand a single thing I am feeling. But they listen and they know that is all I need. ♥

I feel as if this is this is the only place to express these feelings in a healthy manner.
I do have a ton of support, but sometimes when someone is giving you advice it almost feels like they are trying to tell you what to do. Continue reading