The rational, adult part of my brain knows that chest pains are just muscular, and that my cardiologist has said my heart is fine.
But the child part of my brain gets scared and starts crying or having a temper tantrum, because it’s not logical and can’t always be swayed by reason.
That temper tantrum is a panic attack. The adult part of my brain needs to quiet the child – to listen to and comfort it, but not give in to the temper tantrum.
It’s a heavy feeling. Like there is the weight of an elephant on my chest and I cannot breath. My heart begins to race. The sensation in my tummy is a feeling of butterflies, but not good ones, more like moths fluttering around as if they are about to be caught in a trap. My throat feels like it is slowly, but oh so quickly, tightening up as I am beginning to breath shallow. I feel like I may throw up or cry, I cannot tell the difference.
There is no thinking straight or logically in this state. This is a mental state that affects me physically, and is beyond exhausting.
It is dark. exhausting. tiring. difficult. stressful. overwhelming. hurting.
It is something I am mentally afraid of when I can feel it coming on.
For someone who does not experience this as strongly as I do, it can be the most difficult thing to explain. The feeling is so overwhelming that it is hard to even begin to describe what it is or where it comes from.
Thoughts come out of no where and assumptions are made constantly when this feeling arises from the dark place it comes from.
“Go out. Do Something! Make some friends. Hangout. Exercise. Be Carefree. Life is a joke, live it to the fullest. Enjoy yourself. Do things. Face your fears. Don’t be such a baby.”
If you had any idea what this feels like, you would not even think to say those things when I am in that state.
I go out, make friends, do fun things… and I CAN HAVE FUN!
Yes, of course I still do have fun and do things and enjoy myself. Just because this feeling comes to me at times, does not mean that I do not live a good life. I do not want to sit here and make people think they should feel BAD for me. That is not the case at all.
I want people around me to understand what it is like, or at least try to. I do not believe that anyone who does not experience this same feeling can understand what it is truly like, but they can try.
For someone to tell me that I am ungrateful because of the way I act sometimes just do not seem to understand that I am trying my hardest to show that, but at times it can be difficult when I am in such a overwhelming situation.
It’s like I am driving down a street and there is a huge roadblock in my way. I need to get somewhere, do something, say something, but I need to make this huge detour just to be able to. I need to either wait until it is gone, or make things difficult in the process followed by a feeling of guilt for the things that happened in that process.
I am so beyond grateful for my amazing boyfriend who has picked me up so many times when I have fallen to the deepest, darkest places I have ever been to. (believe me, it was scary as fuck!)
I am beyond grateful for the amazing (very few) friends that I have. They just listen to me rant sometimes and you know what? They do NOT judge me. They just listen because they know that is exactly what I need.
And finally, I am SO BEYOND grateful for my amazing family. They have been through hell and back for me I am sure. They definitely do not deserve it, but I know if I needed they would do it again. I love them beyond belief.
Now just because these people are there for me and listen to me does not mean they understand a single thing I am feeling. But they listen and they know that is all I need. ♥
I feel as if this is this is the only place to express these feelings in a healthy manner.
I do have a ton of support, but sometimes when someone is giving you advice it almost feels like they are trying to tell you what to do.
My rant is now over, and let me tell you….I do feel better!
Unfortunately, I am sure I will be back with another in the near future…
A fucked up girl in her 20’s just trying to figure out how to adult.