today.. Thursday May 5th… CINCO DE MAYO?
I woke up late and in a panic, after my alarm went off for about an hour, and rushed into the bathroom. (thank god I am smart enough to have my clothes ready & waiting the night before)
I quickly brush my teeth, fix my hair, put on some eyeliner and I am out the door.
As I am driving to work, I am doing the rest of my makeup and making sure I look like I did not just crawl out of bed (even though I did)
Now I am sitting here at work patiently waiting for lunch, or even better yet, the day to be over.
I texted my boyfriend (who is beyond adorable when he is sleeping by the way) to apologize for my alarm going off all morning because the thought of him being mad at me upsets me beyond belief. (and I really did feel bad as I hate when his does the same thing!) That is when that feeling arises again from it’s dark, hidden place. That is when I begin to get hot and my heart starts .racing like I have just sprinted 5 km without taking a break.
Some might say to me that I should not feel like that if he is upset with me, but I DO!
I love this boy with all of my heart and of course I don’t want to upset him. I want to be selfless for him to the highest extent and make him the happiest man alive.
I don’t just get like that with him. I get like that with anyone who is upset with me.
The idea of confrontation scares the shit out of me, with absolutely anyone. And that is because it puts me in that uncomfortable place.
But at other times, that uncomfortable state that I get into sometimes gets me INTO that confrontation.
Does anybody else see how frustrating this is?
Today has been a lot better than yesterday though. I have felt absolutely no part of that state, which is so great!
I want to speak nothing but truth here. I am just typing whatever comes to my mind at that moment, literally. I am not editing or making revisions to try and be popular or liked. I just want somewhere to be myself. With zero expectations. Nobody to impress. Nowhere to be judged.
Just to try and figure out who ME is.
I have changed a lot.. I don’t even know what my favorite food is anymore! (let’s be honest, there are way too many to choose from!)
I know what I want in life and out of the different aspects of my life, but it’s figuring out who I am internally or what I like that is most frustrating. I feel like I am stuck in the middle of the whole “figuring yourself out” area of life.
But all jokes aside, this is my place to truly express those things I cannot at places like work, social situations, etc. It is going to be the place that I run to when I need to rant, or feel like crying, or get so worked up I cannot handle it.
If you don’t like it, then that really sucks for you. But I know there is someone out there who can relate to this.
You will slowly learn more about this and why I am the way I am, but for now let’s keep the mystery here. (even though there is probably nobody reading this at all!)
A fucked up girl in her 20’s just trying to figure out how to adult.